My Journey With Sleep Deprivation

There are tired people everywhere, which is what made me accept sleep deprivation for the first few months of my newborn baby's life. Plus, it wasn't too bad at first. We were getting just enough sleep that I could still function. My baby was the happiest baby too, and I always ensured he napped enough during the day - mostly on me.

I loved carrying him in the sling. I felt close to him, like every piece of physical contact that we had was me pouring that undeniable, that pure, unapologetic kind of love. This side of joy I didn't know until my son was born. It was like no other. I could take on the world with this feeling.

But when my son was around 16 weeks old, my son's sleep got worse. Instead of going the usual 2-3 hour stretches at night, he would wake up every hour, or even more frequently if he dropped his paci.

My husband worked long hours and had a busy life. He was out of the house before we were up, and home way after my son's bedtime. He would try to help me with our son during the weekends but our baby just wouldn't settle with him. I was exhausted but I kept on doing what I thought my son needed. I rocked a bit harder, I fed him for hours, I hummed, sung, had white noise on.

I read every hack and tip you could find out there, desperately trying to get my son to sleep. Because I knew that if I felt this tired, he must've felt worse. And I couldn't bear knowing this. I felt like a failure.

My complaints would be met with laughter by some people too. "It's normal, babies don't sleep! " was a comment that hit me like a tonne of bricks. I couldn't believe that this was my new life. I dreaded bedtime because I didn't know what the night would bring. I would literally sit up in bed each time, right before picking my son up to comfort him, with my hands over my face and pull my hair, literally. I'd sob away as I fed him, both feeling this utter love and a form of misery I had never experienced.

I didn't know one could feel such strong but conflicting emotions at the same time.

My husband, once, came to bed to find me sitting up cradling air, as if I was feeding my baby, only our son was fast asleep in the crib next to me.

I was so tired all the time, that I felt numb. I struggled to muster up the energy to take my son outside, and I would cancel appointments and play dates with other mama friends. I didn't feel confident enough to drive anyway.

When my husband first mentioned sleep training our son, I felt insulted. In fact, I felt angry.

Angry at him for not being there when I needed help.

Angry at myself for not being able to do it on my own like I said I would.

Angry at the world for not telling me how bad sleep deprivation really is.

It is so bad, it can be the cause of many illnesses and conditions. It can lead to obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure, and more. A lack of sleep leads to bad decision making, irritability, and it's linked to depression and anxiety.

I was on the verge of contacting my doctor. I thought I was utterly depressed. But I was breastfeeding, and I knew I wouldn't be able to take any medication. I also know that the waiting list in the UK for counselling or therapy is long and I wasn't going to get to see anyone for months.

I hadn't linked my seeming misery to a lack of sleep at this point.

After another few weeks of sleeping an average of 4 hours each night, I talked with my husband again about sleep training. But there were so many different approaches out there, I didn't know which would suit our baby. I didn't want to cause him harm or traumatise him. I was scared that if I let him cry now I would alter his personality.

As I type this now, I still get teary because those feelings of guilt and failure were so real at the time. I don't think I could ever cope if they came back again. There will always be an element of worry in me as a mother - like there is with anyone who loves their children.

We hired a sleep training consultant based in Canada that had been recommended by one of our friends. We paid the fees with reluctance because we didn't fully understand what we were going to get.

But the coach provoked some thinking in me. She asked me how I viewed my life as it was in that moment, and she asked me to picture what it would continue to look like if I did nothing at this point. My life looked hopeless. She reminded me that I wanted change, and that I had made the first steps already toward that by contacting her.

She then gave me hope of a new, more balanced life - where sleep was something that we looked forward to, rather than dreaded. More importantly, she told me that my son would learn to fall asleep, and stay asleep - to the point where he would be able to later recognise his own feelings of tiredness.

On the very first night of our personalised sleep plan, my son did a 5 hour stretch, allowing me to sleep for a big part of it. I felt FRESH.

Andriel, at the age of 5.5 months, went from sleeping 1-2 hours max at a time, to doing 9 hour-long stretches before needing milk, and then went back down until 6:30 AM. He naturally dropped the night feed when he was 9 months old. He's just turned 4 and he has been sleeping through the night since.

My son asks to go to bed when he's tired.

I'm proud to say this because he learned the art of falling asleep - with our gentle and loving support.

I can say now that I have solved our sleep that those intensive negative emotions I experienced are much easier to tackle, I am able to rationalise and think more clearly. I don't have a permanent fog causing me to feel confused and frazzled, and simply desperate.

Sleep training is not cruel.

Sleep training is a learning course that when implemented correctly, is immensely and eternally rewarding.

I became a Sleep Training Coach because I want to educate all parents, and help them teach their babies how to fall asleep and stay asleep. I don't want any other parent to suffer like I did. I don't want babies to get bad sleep and remain cranky during the day.

Babies do most of their growing when they sleep. We need to let them grow.

Contact me today if you want change at home. I want to help you!

help@memummyandi.co.uk

@thrive_sleep